My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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