Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
