she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
