I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Randomize
