I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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