If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
