I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
