I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize