just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
