proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
why is half of my head shaved?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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