I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
