we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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