I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
