Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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