he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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