these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
