saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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