No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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