shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
