I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
