I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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