but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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