I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
