the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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