Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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