Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
