I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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