The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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