Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
