I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
