My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.