Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
