I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
