my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
