if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
