This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
