I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
we're making bets on your personal life
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
