you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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