the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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