dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
