I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
