I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
