My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
