More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
