My hand turned me down
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
