I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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