My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
