Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she peed on how many people?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
