I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
there was a trapeze. enough said
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
