Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
