I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
