We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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