I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
