in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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