wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize