im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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