If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
