i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
