My first STD was from a foam party
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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