Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
