i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
